Red Meat in a Blue State

This, while by no means comprehensive, is a listing of some of the best burgers in LA, as well as a few spots with big local reputations that are ultimately underwhelming. Commonalities abound (including a special predilection for secret sauce — usually a minor variation on Thousand Island), but most of the joints have their own special flair and everyone has a personal favorite. In no particular order:

In N’ Out — This is obvious but bears mentioning for several reasons.

Fries, cooked to order: Utterly essential. Being able to ask for fries well-done eliminates any anxiety associated with fast food ordering. Well done fries are an essential component of Animal Style Fries. Covered with 2 slices of cheese, grilled onions, and special sauce, these are the Bounty of late night foodstuff, a quicker-picker-upper that absorbs excess alcohol and tacks on crucial hours of drinking to any bender. Well-done fries ensure fully melted cheese and prevent sogginess.

Cost: A full meal at In N’ Out will run you less than a value meal at most major national chains, and the quality is incomparable. For the price, this is probably the best burger around.

Cult of Personality: Why extol the virtues of this burger when former Heisman winner Troy Smith can do it for me. “For the folks back in Ohio, they need to understand first and foremost, it is a fresh burger,” Smith said. “The lettuce and tomatoes are extremely fresh. And they toast the buns. That’s huge. That’s key. They use a special kind of sauce, too. The sandwich is incredible after a long night.”

The fact that these comments were made in the lead-up to the 2007 BCS Championship Game — in which his OSU team got crushed 41-14 by Florida — suggests Troy’s focus was misplaced. Still, priorities are priorities, and I bet a few Double-Doubles helped to ease the pain.

The only downside here is the wait. Any time, day or night, expect a line.

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Pie N’ Burger — This Pasadena establishment feels like a relic from a bygone era. From the wood-paneled walls to the antique cash register to the surly, white-haired waitresses whose dispositions betray the discontent of serving burgers every day since junior year of high-school, everything about this place says “classic.” The service is so poor — and the prices so outrageous — that it’s almost a shame the burgers are so good.

But they are good … really fucking good. The griddle, which looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in at least a few decades, seasons the 1/4 lb. patties perfectly, and the just-charred exterior gives way to tender, luscious beef. The grilled buns are smeared with PN’B’s special recipe Thousand Island and topped with cheese, hand-leafed lettuce, and thick sliced dills. The whole sandwich is wrapped in paper and delivered to your table — 45 minutes after you ordered.

It’s the definition of simple elegance. The crisp lettuce and pickles add just the right crunch to the sandwich, and the flavors intermingle without threatening to overwhelm each other. The burger is almost delicious enough to make the wait seem worthwhile, at least until the check comes. A burger and fries, with a drink and a slice of any of the immaculate pies will set you back $20.

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The Original Bob’s Big-Boy — Growing up I spent a lot of time in the mid-west, so the pleasures of Big Boy restaurants are not lost on me (particularly the Strawberry Pie, a nostalgic favorite). Still, the Original Bob’s Big Boy is in a class all its own. The Burbank landmark (California named it a “State Point of Historical Interest” in 1993) has been serving up burgers since 1949, but this elder statesman of the sandwich trade is an innovator too.

Ever wonder where Ray Crock got the idea for the Big Mac and that flat, center bun? Look no further than Bob’s. For 60 years, the marvel of gastronomic engineering that is the Bob’s Big Boy (the restaurant’s eponymous signature sandwich) has utilized the toasted middle bun as structural support for 2 patties, 2 slices of cheese, and fixins. Enjoyment of the burger as-is will likely be governed by your appreciation for Bob’s special sauce — a combination of ketchup, mayo, and sweet relish. I’m not partial to it myself (I prefer a bit of mayo), but have friends and family who swear by it. If you’re the cautious type, ask for sauce on the side.

While Bob’s Big Boy probably won’t knock you off your seat, consistency is king here. The meat is well-seasoned and not overly greasy, and the burger is always assembled with care. That said, the ambiance is as much of a draw as the food, especially on the weekends when car hops cater to a drive-in packed with local hot rods (including those of longtime Big Boy fanatic Jay Leno).

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 Astro-Burger — There are several LA eateries that lay claim to the Astro-Burger moniker, but a meal in the blue hut at the corner of Gower and Melrose will reveal all others as pretenders to the throne. For a small, family-run establishment, Astro-Burger has an enormous menu, and they take great pride in having been the first place in LA to serve GardenBurgers. The menu now includes all manner of vegetarian options, in addition to spanakopita, dolmas, gyros and a variety of daily Greek specials.

But I’m a Texan, dammit. I bleed red, my colors don’t run, and I don’t go to a place called Astro-Burger for the Greek food. Good thing the burgers are delicious. You can order a large, tender char-grilled burger with just about any topping you want, but the standard is lettuce, tomato, onion, and Astro-Sauce (a mild variant of Thousand Island that’s my favorite in the city). Connoisseurs will order an Astro-Burger with cheese and a pile of supple grilled onions, or the decked out bacon-avocado cheeseburger coupled with a batch of the fresh fry-cut zucchini. A great place for a crowd, there’s always seating, orders are up quickly, and there’s something on the menu to suit anyone’s taste.

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Father’s Office — This self-proclaimed Santa Monica “Gastropub” tries to be a little too cute for its own good (an order of delicious sweet potato frites a la carte, for instance, is served in a miniature shopping cart), and when it’s packed, which it usually is, the wait for a table can be off-putting. But one bite of the famous “Office Burger” and these quibbles feel minor indeed.

One of the best and most unique burgers I’ve come across, this classy sandwich is an enormous hunk of dry-aged beef on a french roll topped with caramelized onions, arugula, and two types of cheese (Gruyere and Maytag blue). The combination of flavors is vibrant, with the bite of the arugula a particular highlight. And while, according to reports, the onions can occasionally impart an overly sweet taste, my experience was sublime. At $12 (including shoe-string fries), it’s not a cheap sandwich, but you’ll leave full and satisfied, and F.O. has a great selection of beers to wash it down.

A word of warning: the owner is extremely protective of his creation. He forbids substitutions or special orders and does not allow condiments in the restaurant. I’ve heard several cases of people being thrown out and “banned for life” after attempting to smuggle in ketchup or mustard.

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Fatburger — Angelenos love ‘em, but these burgers are vastly overrated. Seriously, they are fine fast-food burgers, but they’re overpriced without anything to set them apart from the crowd. The onion rings are good, and chili and cheese will improve the sandwiches, but by the time you tack those extras on you’ll pay nearly $11 bucks for a burger and side. It’s a step up from McDonald’s or Jack in the Box, but not good enough to justify the cost.

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Tommy’s — Another local favorite that doesn’t pass mustard, at least Tommy’s doesn’t have pretensions of being better than it is. This chain is famous for its chili-burgers, but the chili is thin and runny and the burgers are terribly dry without it. The 24hr Hollywood location serves up cheap, serviceable late night grub, but I wouldn’t eat at Tommy’s sober.

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Carney’s — A welcome change from Tommy’s (most Angelenos’ choice for chili burgers), Carney’s is simple, cheap, and delicious.

Operating out of an old train car situated in the Hollywood hills, Carney’s serves up food so good you won’t care that you can feel your arteries hardening while you eat. These suckers come off the grill nicely charred but still juicy, and are loaded with onions and meaty chili that could stand on it’s own as a meal in a pinch. Sure it’s greasy, but greasiness is the yardstick for a real chili burger.

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Highly regarded spots still to try include: Cassell’s, The Apple Pan, The Counter, and Lucky Devil’s

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